Sunday, December 4, 2011

Love Family Update and a Confession

I am so excited for Christmas this year!I love seeing all of the joy that Savannah and Xander get out of all of the little things this time of year!Savannah keeps surprising us. The other day when we put up our tree, she pointed at the top and said, "yellow star!" I had no idea she knew that a star goes on the top of a Christmas tree! Savannah has been sick with an ear infection, a fever, and some kind of virus in her throat, so she has been laying on the coach for most of the last 4 days. She keeps wanting to watch Christmas movies, and wants us to read Christmas books to her! She gets so excited when she sees Santa and stars! Xander hasn't broke any Christmas ornaments as of yet!He loves climbing on top of all of the empty decoration boxes though, and he thinks it's so funny to take his sisters glasses off of her every time he gets a chance. I love it when Savannah says, "silly baby." She is never really mad at him, she just thinks he's silly!

Court's been very busy working on reports, group projects, and other homework when he's not at school, work or, playing with the kids. This is the week before his finals. He is very busy. I'm not looking forward to finishing up Christmas shopping by myself. Anyone want a shopping buddy??? That is one of the things at Christmas time that I love. I love to have one night before Christmas to just go out shopping without kids, with my husband. Two more weeks! Then, I get my husband back, until next semester starts.

Savannah has decided that our nativity set is hers. Especially the baby Jesus. Yesterday, she hid them all under her pillow on the coach so that Xander couldn't take them from her.She really isn't getting much better. Her temperature comes and goes and I think her throat is getting worse. We had to start putting her antibiotic in her milk. She doesn't like it anymore but, tonight she realized out trick and wouldn't finish her milk. Anyone have any ideas on how to get her to take it? For Xander, We have had to start putting his medicine in his milk or applesauce but, he is starting to notice too. They are catching on to us. LOL!

For me, I have a million things that I want to do. But, I am having to let a lot go. I just don't have the time to get everything done.But, I'm just too afraid to stop. Sometimes, when I get down or depressed I tend to just give myself more projects or things that I have to do to sidetrack myself. Court is always telling me that I am crazy because I am always doing something but, the truth is that if I am not making myself do things then, I just fall into depression. I pull up my hair and put on my "work out clothes" ( To make it look like I am just going to go work out later in case someone sees me), sometimes I watch Extreme Home Make over and cry over the family's horrible, sad story. Or I watch the birth story's or Bringing Home Baby and ball my eyes out because, I've never gotten to bring my baby home with me from the hospital, or given birth to a perfectly healthy, normal baby. I want to cry every time I see a perfect little baby. And I hate not knowing if I can't ever have that chance again. And then, it leads to days of hating myself for being an awful mother, and blaming myself for giving Savannah and Xander BBS, then for Savannah not being toilet trained, for being so selfish and such an awful person for feeling bad for myself. Sometimes I just feel so lonely because it feels like no one can understand and I feel like I'm in this whole other world separate from everyone else. This world makes you hide in a closet balling, searching for answers that you don't know if they even exist, leaving a store, church or a park trying to get to the car or a bathroom before anyone notices your tears. But, I don't want to be that person! I know how blessed I am and how wonderful my children and my husband are. I probably shouldn't of posted this. I am ashamed of it but, it is the truth.

So, that is the reason why I am crazy. I have to get up in the morning and put a smile on my face for Savannah and Xander. I have to try to keep us going, plan to do fun things with them. I take lots of pictures. I make my family do things just because I have this picture in my head that this will be an amazing memory that I want them to have! I go overboard on holidays because, I want them to have wonderful memories! I have to be happy and try to stay calm and neutral. Especially, when Savannah is having a meltdown and Xander is screaming at me. I have to keep going and I need to have projects because they help me to find me in all of this. They keep me from having my own breakdown.I love to play outside with Savannah and Xander! It is so neat to see how happy they are, and to be apart of that.I love to do Savannah's shapes game with her and Xander's matching game. He gets so excited when I get it out! Savannah and I love to craft and color, and to bake. Xander loves for me to build up blocks and he tears them down. I especially love to read to them. I love that Savannah loves to wear skirts and dresses and that she loves for me to do her "Princess Hair" every day!And, I love Xander's little laugh and how crazy cute his personality is!

God has sent me many blessings. He has sent me amazing people in my life to help lift me up. He has sent me a wonderful husband to hold my hand. He has sent me two very special children to teach me. Most of all he has sent me his gospel and his son to show me the way and to give my family and I a way back to him and to be together forever. These are the things that I am most thankful for at Christmas.


  1. You are breaking my heart! You are too hard on yourself. Don't be ashamed of the way you feel. No one else judges you for having those feelings. They are very real feelings to you and it's ok to share them with others. You are a great mom and I have been so impressed with you! It's hard to stay positive all the time and I think it's ok to have little pity parties for yourself sometimes. You and I need to get out without the kids and vent a little! Hang in there!!!

  2. I totally agree with Amy. You are an amazing person and you need to give yourself a break. I know we've talked about this before. I have had a hard time dealing with the disabilities in my kids and it does make me feel alone sometimes. I am always so impressed with you and the many things you are able to accomplish. I just can't ever bring myself to add anything to my pile of stuff to do....maybe I should so I feel more like myself. Love you!!!!!