Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Savannah and Xander's Well Child Checkups

I took Savannah and Xander to the pediatricians this morning. The doctor was with us for almost an hour and a half. I felt bad. I think it went into his lunch break. He was so nice and made me feel like he rally cared. He copied and took all of the information that I gave him and their other doctor to look over. They are going to go over everything with me and explain "in English" what it all means. He answered all of my questions and went over the kids appointments. Savannah and Xander have opposite problems. Savannah has gained a little over 3 pounds 99% in two months, which is not good. We have to go to monthly weigh in checkups and I have to notify the endocrinologist. She's also gone down to the 35% for her height. Xander has gone from the 19% for weight to 10%. He's lost some weight. He has also gone from 3% for height to 1%. Their going to watch him and he told me to give him 6 ounces for every feeding.I'm so glad I switched their doctor. They are so much more on top of everything. I finally feel like I'm handing everything over to their doctor for them to tell me what I need to do.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Xander's Trip to the Emergency Room

Today, after I had gotten back from my doctor's appointment I went online to check my email and saw that one of the doctors at Xander's pediatrician's office had replied to my message. He had wanted me to update him on how Xander's doing. Xander is still crying when he has a bowel movement and his anal fissure is getting worse. He said that he wanted me to take Xander to the ER. He wanted a stomach specialist to look at him. Court came home to go with me to the ER. I kept trying to hold myself together and not cry. I'm known for being very emotional. I couldn't help but think of the worse things that could happen. They looked at Xander and one of the nurses noticed his extra figure and then his toe. We had to explain. The doctor and nurse were very interested in how his finger was fused together with his hand. It seams kinda weird when people notice it. I forget about these little things. It's always interesting when someone notices. They are very absorbent people. That was only the second time someone has commented on Xander's extra finger . Most of the time I forget about Xander's extra figure and toe and even Savannah's and her Uterus, but there will always be the scares. Savannah has many scares. Today I realized that I'm not ready for anyone of my children to go through another surgery. I can't bare to think of the pain of when they take my child away and not knowing the outcome. I'm so afraid. I truly feel like hiding away in my bed and crying until the tears don't come anymore, but, I can't. I have to be brave for them. I can't let my weaknesses overcome me. I have to be strong for them and I have to be positive and let them know every day how much I love them. I have to kiss them and give them hugs. I have to let Savannah go to school. I have to talk to all of the doctors, therapist, and people that will help my children, and know what I'm talking about. I have to be their mother.
They had radiology do another X Ray on Xander. The worse part was waiting for the doctor to come back with the results. It seemed like forever. Xander fell asleep in my arms and I kept looking at his precious little face, and trying to take in every movement and to remember his every feature. He looked so small and perfect. It scares me on how fast a life can be taken away. I said a silent prayer. I felt comforted. As long as Court is with me everything will be okay.When the doctor finally came back he told us that Xander still has air in his intestines, stomach and colon. It looks the same as it did for the last X Ray, and from what they could see not life threatening and the movement, but want's us to get in to see the GI specialist at PC as soon as possible. I know that they say he's okay right now but I just can't get rid of the constant fear and thoughts that something is very wrong with him.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Savannah's Update

I had my first meeting with the lady from GIANT steps on Monday. Savannah's going to be tested for autism on September 13th. The lady was so nice and she already wants to sign Savannah up for their program. There's a long waiting list. Hopefully she can get in next year! I also had a meeting with her Preschool teacher at the Elementary school. We decided to have her go Tuesday through Friday. Because of all the extra classes she will be having she wouldn't have much time in the classroom if she only went for two days like she did last year. She also talked with the vision therapist and were going to try to have her work with her. I really love her teacher! It makes it a lot easier. I'm going to try my best to not cry until after she gets on the bus on Tuesday. I hope Savannah is like she usually is and can't be happier to be leaving me and go play. She loves going to nursery and to play at her friends and cousins. If she isn't I'm not sure that I could hold it in if she starts crying when I put her on the bus. I feel bad though, because I'm going to have to pick her up early from school on her first day of school because she and Xander have their first check up with their new Pediatrician .

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Xander's X ray

I got the results form Xander's X ray today and he has air bubbles in his intestines and stomach. They had me make an appointment at Primary Children s GI and liver transplant clinic to have a specialist look at him, but they're booked until October. She said that they are having a lot of cancellations, so if I keep calling them I might be able to get in sooner, and I have to have Xander go into his doctor for him to check on him in September to make sure he's okay. If he gets worse I'm supposed to take him to the emergency room. I'm so worried and scared. I hope that he will be okay.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Xander's doctor's appointment

Xander has been screaming when he has a bowl movement. Over the last week it has gotten so much worse. He's not constipated or anything. I emailed my doctor on Saturday and he told me to have him come in to have him looked at. I took him in, with Savannah. She was good at first and sat down in a chair, but then wanted a snack. I had yogurt covered raisins and soy crisps for bribing her to be good when we go somewhere. I had to fill out some information because we just switched their pediatrician. Of course Savannah wanted one of the flower pens that they had. Then Xander woke up and started crying, so I got him out of his car seat, then Savannah had to have another pen. Next, Xander wouldn't take his pacifier anymore and was screaming, so I had to stand up, still trying to fill out the paper work. Savannah decided she wanted to put the flower pens back on the counter, including mine, which I had to help her and when I thought she wasn't looking grabbed mine back so I can finish the info. Savannah, who is getting smarter by the day, of course turned back to check to make sure that I didn't take one, and saw the pen. She tried to take it form me and then through herself on the floor and had a tantrum. After I calmed her down I went back to my seat to find that when one of us had gotten up we had knocked over the bowel of Savannah's snacks onto the floor and some people were trying to help me by picking them up. I felt so bad. I tried to pick them up with Xander in my other hand. A nurse came out to tell us it was our turn. Savannah was sitting on the mini trash can by then, looking out the window. They weighed Xander 12.5LBS. I think he throws up at least half of what he eats. He's only gained a pound in one and a half months. While we were waiting for the doctor Savannah played with the stirrups on the bed, loudly. I bet they love it when I bring my kids in! LOL Xander started crying as the doctor came in. I started to try to make him a bottle. I dropped the top onto the floor. Xander screamed louder. The doctor picked it up and washed it for me. He looked at Xander. Then, left the room to talk to his doctor. I had to change Xander's diaper because it was very full. Xander spat up all over the table and himself .Savannah had two more meltdowns in the room because she wanted out. She also thought she would be fun to be mad at me and throw all of her flash cards all over the room.We have to take Xander to the hospital to have his stomach X-Ray to hopefully find out what's wrong tonight. I'm so worried. I also have to give Xander suppositories, which I really don't want to do! Yuck! Savannah of course didn't want to leave the doctors office, and had a little tantrum and I had to pick her up with one arm, which had my huge diaper bag/ peruse and Carrie Xander and his car seat in the other. What a fun day at the doctors!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Heaven's Very Special Child

I read this poem on a friend of mine's blog. It is such a beautiful poem and means so much to me. It reminds me of how blessed I am to be the mother of my two beautiful, special children and of how much trust he has for us for him to leave them in our care.Because of my children my testimony and faith has grown so much. Some of my friends will understand how I feel. They have been entrusted with very special children also. They are such great examples to me of perfect mothers.

A meeting was held quite far from Earth.
It was time again for another birth.
Said the Angels to the Lord above-
"This special child will need much love.
"Her progress may be very slow,
"Accomplishment she may not show.
"And she'll require extra care
"From the folks she meets down there.
"She may not run or laugh or play,
"Her thoughts may seem quite far away.
"So many times she will be labeled
"'different,' 'helpless,' and disabled.
"So, let's be careful where she's sent.
"We want her life to be content.
"Please, Lord, find the parents who
"Will do a special job for you.
"They will not realize right away
"The leading role they are asked to play.
"But with this child sent from above
"Comes stronger faith and richer love.
"And soon they'll know the privilege given
"In caring for their gift fro heaven.
"Their precious charge, so meek and mild
"Is heaven's very special child."

-Edna Massimilla

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Day In Nicole's Life

Today was just one of those days... I got up hoping to get into the shower before the kids woke up,but as soon as I had gotten out of bed Xander starts crying. I feed Xander and then Savannah wakes up and we have to do her routine. She brings her pillow, baby, and pink blanket out, I get her some milk. She lays on the couch and drinks it while watching Monsters Inc., her movie for the week. She always picks a movie that she likes and is obsessed with it for a week to a month. That's the only movie she'll watch. I get her dressed and then do her hair while she sits on her pink blanket and watches her movie and drinks her water, then she has to go look at herself in the mirror. All she wants for breakfast is a banana. I wash the dishes in the sink, and clean the living room, Savannah's room, and make our bed. You'd never believe it at the end of the day.Xander starts crying again and he has a bowl moment. While I'm changing his diaper he is screaming and goes again in the clean diaper that I haven't yet finished putting on him and he also pees. I quickly throw a wipe over him, so it doesn't go anywhere.Luckily he was on a blanket that I can wash. I get him cleaned up and new clothes, then he starts screaming and using all his muscles ,standing up stiff as can be goes again, so I wait for a bit to let him go more if he needs to. Then, I change that one, then he does it one last time. We went through four diapers in just 15 minutes. Now hes happy! I then try to get him to go back to sleep so I can go shower, but he wont let me put him down or he wakes up crying again, oh and did I tell you he has to have me stand up too. He is such a needy little boy, but he's so cute! After about an hour and a half of this he finally goes to sleep, so I put him in his crib and go take a shower. Then after about 8 minutes Savannah comes into the bathroom crying because she wants me. She stays in the bathroom crying until I turn the water off, then she opens the cupboard under the sink. After I dry off and put my towl on in the shower I find Savannah had found something fun to play with. She had opened a new box of tampons and threw them all over the bathroom. She is known for making really big messes in a short amount of time.A couple months ago one night I had woke up to Savannah crying. I went in her room walking into a pile of white a foot tall all around her bed. I had just gotten a box of baby wipes at Costco and put it next to her crib not even thinking that she would do that. After the bathroom incident I get dressed, clean up her mess, and do my hair. Xander wakes up crying. He wants me to hold him of course, then I go into the kitchen and can't believe it's already noon, so I make Savannah her peanut butter sandwich and apple sauce and give her a small spoon of peanut butter( which she has to have every day for lunch). I clean up the living room again, vacuum the house and feed Xander.Then Court calls to tell me he's coming home for lunch, so I try to start making a pasta salad. Xander keeps crying because he wants to be held. I finally get it done, then we eat lunch while Savannah sits on daddy's lap picking out his pasta, then she does something amazing. She eats an olive and a mushroom! I'm never gotten her to eat an olive and not spit it out. That was exciting for us!We put her down for a nap going through her routine and making sure she has everything in her crib that she feels she has to have to sleep, her yellow swimming noodle, her green chair on her side of her bed, her baby, her pillow, pink blanket, book, felt butterfly s, foam ABC's, her music on, and her milk. After Court leaves I make my phone calls for appointments, A meeting with Savannah's teacher, meeting for Savannah's a valuation for Autism, a meeting with kids on the move for a new program called Bridges for Savannah, and Savannah's follow up appointment examination for her tubes.
I go over my Young Womens lesson again to figure out how I'm going to do it and read a story in the manual about a little girl with a mental disability. One day an apostle had come to her house and he said that she was so special in Gods eyes, and she was sent to earth for her mortal body in such a way that she cannot be tempted by this world, and she will return to God as pure as she came. He said that her parents had chosen to take care of this special spirit. These special children hold hands with god. This story touched me so much. I couldn't help but cry as I thought of my two beautiful children. If you would like to read this story I've posted it blow this post. This lesson, The "Importance of Life, lesson 32 Manual 2" has really touched my life. I feel like it was written just for me. Like it is Heavenly father knowing what I need to hear. I hope I can make it through this lesson on Sunday with crying through all of it.
I wake Savannah up and redo her go through her nap routine, then redo her hair. Her bus driver comes over at three for a meeting with me so I can meet her and do some paper work. I feel a lot better about letting her go to preschool on the bus now. It's so scary letting my daughter go with other people I don't know very well. I hope I can hold myself together her first day. I'm dreading it.

The Importance of Life, Young Women's Lesson story

“My name’s Cindy. I laugh a lot. I like flowers and dogs and cats, even though Daddy says I love them too hard. And I like to blow out candles on birthday cakes. I’m twenty years old now. I watch Mickey Mouse on TV and other cartoons too. I can tie my shoelaces all by myself. It makes me happy when I hear other people laugh. Then I laugh.

“You know what makes me smile most? When Mama says she called me her little china doll—I was a baby then. I don’t remember much about that but I remember some kids saying, ‘Cindy, Cindy, Cindy, yeah, yeah, yeah,’ and making funny faces, and Mama shooing them away and then holding me against her and crying. I don’t understand it yet.

“I can go real high in the swing, and I like to have a shower bath and let the water run over my head.

“I remember when Daddy worked on the new chapel in the evenings and he took me with him. He was a bishop then. He gave me a little bucket and I’d pick up things. Daddy would put me on his shoulders when we’d go home. That would make me laugh too.

“ ‘Cindy’s helping build the chapel,’ he’d tell Mama and swing me down. ‘It’s Cindy’s chapel too.’

“That made me feel funny inside, and sometimes I’d feel like I was bursting; but try as hard as I could, my words wouldn’t come out right, and Mama would look sad and turn away. I would be sad too because they couldn’t understand what I was saying.

“I’ve been riding on a horse, and I’ve seen a circus. I was afraid of the big elephant. But I wasn’t afraid of the clowns. They fell down and I laughed.

“I remember when a strange man came to our house when the chapel was finished. He was from Salt Lake.

“ ‘He’s an apostle of God,’ Daddy told me. I stood and stared at him and pinched his arm until Mama pulled me away.

“ ‘Don’t bother Brother Kirkham, Cindy,’ she said.

“ ‘It’s all right, Sister Abbott,’ he said. His eyes twinkled and he lifted me onto his lap. He put one hand on my hand.

“ ‘Cindy’s no bother.’ He smiled, and I felt something warm inside of me. ‘Brother and Sister Abbott, this spirit is so special in God’s eyes,’ he went on, ‘that she was sent to earth for her mortal body in such a way that she cannot be tempted by this world. She will return to God as pure as she came. You have been chosen to take care of this special spirit. Try to understand her for she certainly holds hands with God.’

“Mama didn’t cry as much after the apostle went away, and Daddy began to whistle. The children didn’t say, ‘Cindy, Cindy, Cindy, yeah, yeah, yeah’ anymore. They took my hand and said, ‘Come and play with us, Cindy.’

“Once I followed the children to school, but they wouldn’t let me stay in school, so Mama bought me a book with pictures in it. There were pictures of Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery and Brigham Young, and I looked and looked at them while Mama told me stories, and sometimes at night I’d think about the book and try to remember what Mama said.

“In church I’d hear a name and I’d find the picture in my book and pull on Mama’s sleeve.

“ ‘That’s very good, Cindy.’ She would smile.

“I wanted to stand up in testimony meeting and tell everyone I knew the Church was true too, but when I tried to stand up, Mama and Daddy held me down.

“ ‘The children will laugh at you, Cindy,’ they said. I would cry until Mama had to take me out.

“I can ride a bike and go to a school now. I’ve learned to stuff envelopes and I have some money in a bank.

“Every testimony day I tried to stand up, and Mama kept taking me out. One Sunday night after fast meeting, after I had cried all afternoon, Mama said she didn’t know what to do about me; maybe they shouldn’t take me to fast meeting anymore. No one seemed to understand. The turmoil inside me was more than I could stand, and I didn’t know what to do about it, but I knew I had to stand up and bear my testimony. Then all of a sudden there was a light in my room, but I knew Mama had turned out the lights. I got up to see if the moon was shining. I felt so strange; the light around me was warm and I got on my knees and prayed. Then I felt a hand touch mine, soft and warm like the light in my room.

“ ‘Cindy, Cindy, what is it?’ I heard Mama’s voice. She helped me up, and Daddy put his arms around me because I was crying. For a long time Daddy and Mama sat on the bed talking about how they could help me; I wanted to tell them about the light and the hand that touched mine.

“ ‘If Cindy feels that deeply about bearing her testimony,’ Daddy said, ‘then next month she must stand up. We surely can’t deny her the right or privilege to share her testimony with others.’

“I felt calm inside and went to sleep.

“I go on picnics with the school, and we go on big yellow busses. I have friends and we laugh at each other.

“It seemed like a long long time before testimony meeting came around again, and I sat there calm and listened. Then Mama handed me the microphone and smiled. I stood up.

“ ‘I love my Daddy. I love my Mother and I love my brothers and sisters. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.’

“It was just like I’d heard the other children say it. No one laughed. It was quiet for a long time. Mama was crying. Daddy too. Then a man stood up in front.

“ ‘These spirits are special in God’s eyes,’ he said. ‘They are sent to earth for their mortal bodies in such a way they can’t be tempted by this world. Cindy will return to God as pure as she came. We don’t know how deep their emotions run, but we do know these special children hold hands with God.’

“I felt a warm soft hand close over mine. This time it was my daddy’s hand” (Cindy Abbott, as told to Verna W. Holt, “Hold Hands with God,” New Era, Feb. 1973, pp. 48–49).

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Importance of Life

Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know that he is with us during our trials. We have to look to him. I was planning my young women s lesson for next week (The importance of Life) and came across this video. It touched my heart. What a beautiful person and story. Life is so precious to me. It can so very easily slip away. I should be more positive and enjoy and cherish every moment that I have with my family and loved ones. I am so very blessed and thankful for my beautiful children and how much they have taut me and helped me grow. I am thankful for my loving husband and his understanding, love and support he has for me, and all that he sacrifices for us. I am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends and all of their thoughts and prayers, who are there for me and my family, who care for us. I love you all and words can't say how thankful I am for all of you and thank you for listening to me and giving me comfort, and friendship. This morning I was reading the scriptures and found these verses.
Mosiah 24:13-14
And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying:Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders; that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this I will do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
Most of all I am thankful for my Heavenly father and, also Jesus Christ for dying on the cross for me so that I can return to him and be with my loving companion and my children for eternity. We will rejoice with no fears, worries, and no more pain. I look forward to that day. I believe that on the day of the resurrection we will all be judge of our good works. I was also reading in 3 Nephi 17;9 and the words touched me.
And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, which one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner: and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.
The answers that I find in the scriptures and the spirit of the Holy Ghost. are also a great confort to me, and get me through each day.

My New Life

Sunday, August 8, 2010


Lately Savannah has been extremely emotional. On Thursday She cried all afternoon. I tried to color with her, thinking that she just might need mommy and me time, but I just ended up coloring by myself while Savannah laid on the floor next to me crying. I tried to have her help me with the dishes and then laundry. She usually loves to do those things. Nothing I did made her happy. Sometimes I feel like the only time she's happy is when she's watching one of the movies she likes. But I don't want to turn her into a TV Zombie or something. We try to only let her watch one movie a day, but' that doesn't always happen. I had to go to the mall last week but I didn't even get to the store that I needed to go to. We had to leave because Savannah wouldn't stay with me and every time I tried to hold her hand or pick her up, or told her that she has to hold on to the stroller she would throw herself down on the ground, hit her head on the floor, on perpres, and scream and cry and kick. This is what she does when I take her with me to the grocery store, or shopping, just about anywhere. Last night we went to the store and she through her tantrums like usual. She screamed and hit and tried to pull away from court each time he tried to pick her up. Some of our friends came with us. I felt so embarrassed. I was so afraid that they were thinking that we are horrible parents. I felt awful. I felt like they were embarrassed to be with us. This is what I go through every time I take her anywhere, and I have to deal with her stuff and take care of Xander at the same time all by myself during the day. Why can't Savannah be like all of those other children sitting in their cart and being perfect little angles, just another day at the store? No big deal. I have to plan when I go somewhere with snacks and entertainment for her. Why is she so unhappy? Why can't she understand me? Why can't she communicate to me and tell me whats wrong? Why can't I help her and make it all better? I'm her mother. That's what I'm suppose to do. But, I can't confer t her. I can't communicate to her that if she runs away in the store or the parking lot she can get hit by a car or kidnapped, or lost. I try but she just doesn't understand. I love her so much. I want her to know that. I brake down and cry every almost every time I come home exhausted from going somewhere with her because I just feel so helpless. It's too much. I'm so tired. I feel so bad for her. I'm scared. I'm lost. I don't know what else to do. I feel like we're trying our best but it's not ever good enough. Just by seeing Savannah you would think she's just a normal three year old. Whenever I would tell people about her tantrums they say "oh, she's three. It's just a phase. But, everything's getting worse. When she talks she isn't speaking normal. It sounds like as if she can't hear. A lot of the time she will be playing or doing something and I will try to get her attention and she won't even look up. It's like she's in her own little world. A lot of the time when she walks she doesn't look where she's going, she'll walk right into people or walls, while I'm trying to tell her to watch out or come over here. She cry's all the time. I don't know why. She will just want me to hold her, so I hold her and cry with her. I think she's so frustrated because she want's to talk to us but she just doesn't know how. I feel like she's going backward and I'm lousing her. I'm lousing my beautiful little Savannah. I feel so lost. What do I do? I don't feel like this is normal. I just want her to be happy. I feel like I'm breaking apart and I've been running this marathon and it never ends. It just gets harder and harder. I'm running out of breath, and I've failed. I can't go on. I hate myself for failing and feeling this way. I can't make my own child happy. I feel like running into a closet to hide myself from the world. I'm so lost and afraid that I'm lousing her and there's nothing I can do. It's out of my hands and I can't fix it. I'm not enough.