Today, after I had gotten back from my doctor's appointment I went online to check my email and saw that one of the doctors at Xander's pediatrician's office had replied to my message. He had wanted me to update him on how Xander's doing. Xander is still crying when he has a bowel movement and his anal fissure is getting worse. He said that he wanted me to take Xander to the ER. He wanted a stomach specialist to look at him. Court came home to go with me to the ER. I kept trying to hold myself together and not cry. I'm known for being very emotional. I couldn't help but think of the worse things that could happen. They looked at Xander and one of the nurses noticed his extra figure and then his toe. We had to explain. The doctor and nurse were very interested in how his finger was fused together with his hand. It seams kinda weird when people notice it. I forget about these little things. It's always interesting when someone notices. They are very absorbent people. That was only the second time someone has commented on Xander's extra finger . Most of the time I forget about Xander's extra figure and toe and even Savannah's and her Uterus, but there will always be the scares. Savannah has many scares. Today I realized that I'm not ready for anyone of my children to go through another surgery. I can't bare to think of the pain of when they take my child away and not knowing the outcome. I'm so afraid. I truly feel like hiding away in my bed and crying until the tears don't come anymore, but, I can't. I have to be brave for them. I can't let my weaknesses overcome me. I have to be strong for them and I have to be positive and let them know every day how much I love them. I have to kiss them and give them hugs. I have to let Savannah go to school. I have to talk to all of the doctors, therapist, and people that will help my children, and know what I'm talking about. I have to be their mother.
They had radiology do another X Ray on Xander. The worse part was waiting for the doctor to come back with the results. It seemed like forever. Xander fell asleep in my arms and I kept looking at his precious little face, and trying to take in every movement and to remember his every feature. He looked so small and perfect. It scares me on how fast a life can be taken away. I said a silent prayer. I felt comforted. As long as Court is with me everything will be okay.When the doctor finally came back he told us that Xander still has air in his intestines, stomach and colon. It looks the same as it did for the last X Ray, and from what they could see not life threatening and the movement, but want's us to get in to see the GI specialist at PC as soon as possible. I know that they say he's okay right now but I just can't get rid of the constant fear and thoughts that something is very wrong with him.