Sunday, August 8, 2010
Lately Savannah has been extremely emotional. On Thursday She cried all afternoon. I tried to color with her, thinking that she just might need mommy and me time, but I just ended up coloring by myself while Savannah laid on the floor next to me crying. I tried to have her help me with the dishes and then laundry. She usually loves to do those things. Nothing I did made her happy. Sometimes I feel like the only time she's happy is when she's watching one of the movies she likes. But I don't want to turn her into a TV Zombie or something. We try to only let her watch one movie a day, but' that doesn't always happen. I had to go to the mall last week but I didn't even get to the store that I needed to go to. We had to leave because Savannah wouldn't stay with me and every time I tried to hold her hand or pick her up, or told her that she has to hold on to the stroller she would throw herself down on the ground, hit her head on the floor, on perpres, and scream and cry and kick. This is what she does when I take her with me to the grocery store, or shopping, just about anywhere. Last night we went to the store and she through her tantrums like usual. She screamed and hit and tried to pull away from court each time he tried to pick her up. Some of our friends came with us. I felt so embarrassed. I was so afraid that they were thinking that we are horrible parents. I felt awful. I felt like they were embarrassed to be with us. This is what I go through every time I take her anywhere, and I have to deal with her stuff and take care of Xander at the same time all by myself during the day. Why can't Savannah be like all of those other children sitting in their cart and being perfect little angles, just another day at the store? No big deal. I have to plan when I go somewhere with snacks and entertainment for her. Why is she so unhappy? Why can't she understand me? Why can't she communicate to me and tell me whats wrong? Why can't I help her and make it all better? I'm her mother. That's what I'm suppose to do. But, I can't confer t her. I can't communicate to her that if she runs away in the store or the parking lot she can get hit by a car or kidnapped, or lost. I try but she just doesn't understand. I love her so much. I want her to know that. I brake down and cry every almost every time I come home exhausted from going somewhere with her because I just feel so helpless. It's too much. I'm so tired. I feel so bad for her. I'm scared. I'm lost. I don't know what else to do. I feel like we're trying our best but it's not ever good enough. Just by seeing Savannah you would think she's just a normal three year old. Whenever I would tell people about her tantrums they say "oh, she's three. It's just a phase. But, everything's getting worse. When she talks she isn't speaking normal. It sounds like as if she can't hear. A lot of the time she will be playing or doing something and I will try to get her attention and she won't even look up. It's like she's in her own little world. A lot of the time when she walks she doesn't look where she's going, she'll walk right into people or walls, while I'm trying to tell her to watch out or come over here. She cry's all the time. I don't know why. She will just want me to hold her, so I hold her and cry with her. I think she's so frustrated because she want's to talk to us but she just doesn't know how. I feel like she's going backward and I'm lousing her. I'm lousing my beautiful little Savannah. I feel so lost. What do I do? I don't feel like this is normal. I just want her to be happy. I feel like I'm breaking apart and I've been running this marathon and it never ends. It just gets harder and harder. I'm running out of breath, and I've failed. I can't go on. I hate myself for failing and feeling this way. I can't make my own child happy. I feel like running into a closet to hide myself from the world. I'm so lost and afraid that I'm lousing her and there's nothing I can do. It's out of my hands and I can't fix it. I'm not enough.