Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A reminder to me of how precious life is

Today,I had an appointment with Xander's pediatrician, so he could explain everything to me better and answer my questions about Vesicoureteric reflux (VUR). I really love both of their pediatricians. They are so nice, and they truly care. Today was one of those days where I go in for the appointment in the medical mind set. I had made a list of questions. Today,changed the way I view life and how much I cherish my two sweet, precious spirits, who are my children. Today, I was told by Xander's doctor that if he gets a bladder infection witch the VUR 5 makes him prone to, can damage his kidneys and they will fail and he just kept trying to put it in a nice way which sounded so much worse to me than if he would of just said it. He said, "he'll leave here", and the second time he said it he said "he'll leave you". It seams just so unreal, so unreal that he is so frail in a way, so close to leaving me, and there's almost nothing that I can do but, give him his antibiotic each day to decrease the chances of infection. He is such a happy baby. He has just started really laughing. It's so cute and, he just got his first tooth on Saturday. He's so beautiful and perfect. We've had him for such a short time. We've fallen in love with him. We've watched him grow and become his own little person, and yet, I'm just so scared that he will slip away. All we can do is love him, and cherish every movement we have together, and pray that he will make it through this. I just can't even imagine a life without him.I'm so scared.Then right before his doctor left the room he said to me,"He is a cute boy, make sure you take lots of pictures." I keep feeling like there was more meaning to his words ,as if he meant to add "just in case." After that whole appointment, after all that we had talked about, those were the biggest things that stuck in my mind.When I got in my car I couldn't hold it all in any longer. I cried and cried and now I don't think I have anymore tears left. I just feel so empty.
I keep feeling like no one understands what I'm going through, and I just wish that I had someone who has been through it all to talk to. Someone who feels all the same pain and sadness.Everyone says that I'm strong and that they don't know how I do it, but that's just it. I'm not. I'm just trying my best one day at a time to be the best mom that I can be for my children and love them. I'm just doing what any mother would do for her children if they were in the same situation. I don't feel brave or strong or anything. Some days I just feel like I'm failing. Sometimes I just feel so alone, but today my sister-in-law called me and told me that there is one other person who has felt all of my pain, who knows all of my fears. He suffered and died for me. All that I have to do is share my burden with him. I know that it won't leave, but just maybe make it lighter. She reminded me that the atonement is not only there for repentance. He has felt all of our pain and has made it so that we can turn to him and ask for his help, and he will give us strength in our time of weakness, just as in the poem of the footsteps in the sand. When looking back on our lives, during our greatest trials Heavenly Father is carrying us through, and he never leaves us.


  1. I'm so sorry, Nicole. As your friend, and coming from what I've been going through, I just wish I could take all of that pain and uncertainty away from you so that you wouldn't have to feel any of it. It hard to know that I can't and our Savior can't even take it away either. We still have to have the pain, as awful as it is, but He can help us and hold us up when we are not feeling strong. You are strong, even if you don't feel it, and when you are not feeling it, He is there. Please know I'm always here too and that you are always in my prayers. I love you, Nicole!

  2. The atonement is very real and hopefully can be a source of comfort for you. I still think it would be nice if you could find someone who has been through a lot of what you are going through. It's nice to know you aren't alone in this trial. I feel the same way you do. When Morgan was getting ready for her open heart surgery she had to be tube fed and people told me, "I wouldn't ever be able to do that. You were meant to be her mother." But in all reality ANY mom would be able to do it because we do the things we need to to help our kids. No matter how hard it may be. Sending you lots of hugs!

  3. I understand the needing to talk thing- I think everyone does. Your sister-in-law is right, turn to Him and keep writing it down. Love you!