Why is it that just as I'm starting to get more stable emotionally, something that may seam small and insignificant happens and sets me off the edge? I want to be a happy and positive person. I don't want to be looking at the negative things in life. Today was Savannah's 4 year doctors appointment. I have finally found a Pediatrician who has dealt with BBS. I couldn't wait to hear all of his insight and advice! I asked him about Savannah's rod cone Dystrophy, and exactly what will happen. He told me that she will go color blind first. That surprised me. I hadn't known that. Then, she will have night blindness, and next, start losing more and more of her vision, and so on from there... He said that the color blindness usually starts around age five. FIVE! Savannah just turned four! Of course I didn't think much about this until we had left.
When we got home Savannah wanted to color. So, I put Xander down to play and colored with Savannah. Then, the tears came. My sweet little Savannah, who finds so much joy in colors, who gets so excited and points out all of the yellow she sees. How will she feel when she sees her world in dark and black and white. No more bright Vibrant shades of yellow or pink, or green. Her sweet incessant face that lights up when she sees the yellow sun, or the pink flower, every time she sees a rainbow... My heart aches so much for her. And she has no idea, no reason to believe that her beautiful colorful world will change around her to never see again. That her whole life will change.
I am so scared that she will lose her sight and forget my face, her father, her brother. To might never see her husband, her own children. The idea is so frightening to me. One of the worst things about it is that there is noting that I can do to fix it. No way to stop it form happening. I want so badly to just be able to stop it, and it just breaks my heart to know that my little girl will have to go through it. To have to stand there and watch her world disappear from her sight. The beautiful world that she loves. But, I know that this is why Heavenly Father made her to be such a strong individual. She is so special. I know that I just need to be strong for her! I can't dewel on this! I want to show her the world, to show her so just in case, so she will be able to know and say, I've see all that my heart wants to see!