Monday, December 12, 2011

Sometimes You Feel Alone

As mothers and fathers our role is to "fix" everything for our child.Some challenges cannot be fixed, I have learned again and again with Savannah and Xander, but rather be adapted to. We have our good days and we have our bad ones. We get through them. I have had to let go of many things such as having well behaved child who doesn't throw tantrums or meltdowns at church, peoples homes, or at the store, or at the doctors office.I hate having to worry about everything that they eat. No matter what I do they just keep gaining.I wish I had an answer to that. I am so afraid that they will get diabetes because of me. I try so hard but at the end of the day I feel like I should have done better. I've had to let it go that Savannah will not use the potty and we now have to order her diapers online because stores do not sell them in her size. Just last week, I was listening to some moms talking about how one of the mothers little three year old, their last child is out of diapers. I know it sounds dumb but, it really hurt.Xander will not sleep in a bed, or even through the night. Yes, we have to give Savannah medication to make it through church, and Xander to get through the night. No, I might not ever have a real conversation and really know how she is felling. Savannah and Xander might not ever drive a car.
I try to not let things bring me down but sometimes I just want to have a normal day. All of those things and more just make me feel like such an awful mother. I want to be able to teach them to be able to do all of these things but I just fail and fail again, and it just feels like we are standing still in our world and everyone else is moving on. Everyone else children are talking, going on the potty, playing sports, piano, and making other amazing accomplishments, having their child cry in their crib each night for a week and they are sleeping through the night. They know other children's names and are talking to their mothers about what they did at school. They dealing with other normal problems, but we just haven't gotten there yet. I'm still having to get Savannah dressed in the mornings and trying to get through each day with out Savannah or Xander having an accident, without Savannah having a meltdown at the end of the day, preparing before we go out anywhere, trying to calm Savannah down because we are going somewhere or aren't going somewhere else. I'm just trying to get through each day with out having a meltdown myself.I hate feeling like I am doing it all myself. Like no one understands, and I hate myself for feeling like this. I though I could do this. What makes me deserve these wonderful children? Why do I feel like I keep failing them? Why do I keep falling down and I just feel like I can't ever be good enough for them and, I'm just making everything worse. When I missed Savannah's first tooth it just all came back and reminded me that this won't be the first big moment or memories that we won't have or that I will miss because Savannah just can't tell me about it. I try my best to be happy. When they make accomplishments we are ecstatic! I love them so much. They teach me every day, and make me a better person. but, sometimes I just feel inadequate.

Then, I just keep wishing that wanting another baby wasn't so awful and complicated.It's like this idea that is a dream and if I did get pregnant then, when that terrifying day comes and we have our ultrasound and they find extra fingers and complications. I don't know if I could handle it. We would go through it all again. Finding one thing after another. What if they die, what if they are mentally handicapped?I know it is so selfish of me but I want to have my chance of having a perfect pregnancy where my biggest worry is will they have jaundice or red or brown hair.I want to bring my new healthy baby home with me from the hospital, with no tubes, oxygen, or monitors.I don't want to have to go through anymore surgeries and all of the worry that comes with it.I am becoming so scared about Xander's appointment with Urology and Radiology on Thursday. We will be finding out how his kidneys are and possibly scheduling his surgery. I just keep feeling like they are going to find something else or his kidneys are going to be worse.Or something bad is going to happen.I hate not knowing.

There are so many wonderful amazing mothers of special needs children who are just amazing. I don't know how they do it and don't brake down like this. They are so strong. I want to be strong but, I'm not today. Maybe tomorrow...


  1. I think all moms of special needs kids have their turns breaking down. Sometimes we're public about them....many times, we aren't. Please know that you are constantly in my prayers.
    Love you

  2. Nicole, I know I don't know a lot about you, but I am slowly getting to know you through your blog and teaching your wonderful little Savannah, and I can tell you are an amazing MOM! I can't imagine what it is like, what you go through as a mom of a special needs child, but I can tell you, you are amazing. I work with LOTS of moms and dads, and I can totally tell that Savannah has one of the best! Keep smiling and keep hanging in there, if you need anything else let me know, and I will indeed be keeping you and your family in my prayers! Keep hanging in there you are an amazing mom always remember that!

  3. My favorite quote for this year is "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'." That is exactly what you do everyday and I know that you are very courageous. We all have meltdowns Nicole. It is part of the deal. You're not alone. Please call me when you're having one of those days. I'll be thinking about you Thursday. I'll call you and find out how it went.

  4. Love this post, Nicole. I've been battling my feelings lately about "italy" as it were. And dealing with my sweet little patch of Holland instead. I'm here for you and with you.