I have come to learn that being given Savannah and Xander and all of their unique challenges , that it is a blessing. They are here to challenge and teach me. Because of them and Court I have been given the opportunity to have a chance for a better life.I have been able to give them what I always wanted. I have learned that I am able to love more than I ever could have and to feel loved back. I have been able to do things that I never would have thought myself capable to do. When I was first married I was so shy that I couldn't even make a call for a doctors appointment. I had to have Court make the call for me. But, I have never been so scared in my life. I worry about them all of the time. I am just always so scared that at any moment I could lose one of them. Maybe that's why I'm so crazy, and over protective. Court and I aren't even letting Xander go to nursery until after his surgery.
Over the last year and a half, after Xander was born, I have been struggling with the worst depression that I have ever had. In the last 6 months, I have been doing so much better. This is because I told myself that I am not going to let myself drown in my trials. I find something to be happy about each day.There are so many other mother's who are struggling with so much more than I. So many of my friends. How can I feel bad for myself. Yes, I have the occasional, sometimes weekly meltdown but, I force myself to look. I look to see my beauitful family. We have the Gospel. I see how blessed I am to have my amazing husband Court, who I will spend my forever with. He is always there for me telling me that I am not the terrible mother I think I am. I have Savannah, Oh how I love it when she smiles or gives me a big hug and a kiss! I love all of the adorable little things she says and how she looks at the world differently! Xander, My sweet crazy little boy who always keeps me so busy. I love his big laugh, and his beauitful brown eyes! I have so many supportive friends and family. They are so loving and who are always there when I just need to cry or vent, which is a lot. So many of my wonderful friends are having babies or are pregnant. This is one of the things that is hard for me to think about but, I feel like I am thinking about it all of the time. I have been working on this over the last year, trying to be happy for pregnant or new mothers with out wanting to cry.I have come to be okay with this. Now I can be happy for them, truly happy and the ache keeps going away a little more. The other day I was watching one of my friends sweet baby boy. Savannah calls him baby cute! She was actually playing and laughing with him. In a way that she never did with Xander. It was adorable!whenever, the feeling of longing for a happy, healthy baby comes I just think about how happy I am of where we are at and how wonderful my children are! I am trying to be happy in the moment and to see and be there with my family.I want to enjoy this year and love being there watching Savannah grow and learn. I want to not just be with them but to see them. There will always be trials and pain, but with my family, and God we can fly right through them! I am so excited for this year and for what I will learn and what we will do. I can't wait to cherish all of the memories that we will make!
I have always love this poem, I'm sure everyone has read it but, it really speaks to me!
|One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.|
|Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.|
|In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.|
|Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,|
|other times there were one set of footprints.|
|This bothered me because I noticed|
|that during the low periods of my life,|
|when I was suffering from|
|anguish, sorrow or defeat,|
|I could see only one set of footprints.|
|So I said to the Lord,|
|"You promised me Lord,|
|that if I followed you,|
|you would walk with me always.|
|But I have noticed that during|
|the most trying periods of my life|
|there have only been one|
|set of footprints in the sand.|
|Why, when I needed you most,|
|you have not been there for me?"|
|The Lord replied,|
|"The times when you have|
|seen only one set of footprints,|
|is when I carried you."|
At the Relief Society General Conference last year , President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave the most unforgettable talk about a parable of the Forget-me-not flower. It was just beauitful. I really needed to hear this. I was really struggling with discouragement and feeling lost and helpless. He reminds us that All of us are struggling with something.
1. to be PATIENT and Compassionate with yourself.
2.the difference between a GOOD SACRIFICE and a foolish sacrifice.
3. to be HAPPY NOW, you don’t have to wait for a “Golden Ticket”.
4. the “WHY” of the GOSPEL will inspire and uplift you.
5. your HEAVENLY FATHER KNOWS, LOVES and CHERISHES you!
I wrote down these 5 "forget me not petals" so, that when I am discouraged and feeling down and alone I can read them and remember the forget me not.