Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Life is a Roller Coaster

When does it all end? Months and months of Xander's endless screaming, trying everything we can to help him sleep at night, and not making anymore progress, even getting worse, if it is possible. He maybe gets in one to two naps a week. Running on 3 to 6 hours of sleep every night.I've been so tired the last two weeks I haven't gone running at all. Tantrums and mess after mess to clean up of flower, sugar, marshmallows, chocolate chip, coconut mutable times a day. Xander screaming at me fallowing me around the house as I cook, clean, do laundry, wanting me to hold him. Crying and crying.Then when he doesn't get what he wants he throws himself down onto the ground hitting his head sometimes, screaming in a tantrum. No sleeping, he just goes and goes, and we still can't get him to say a word, no Hi, Buy, Mom, Dad, or Ball. Nothing. And here's my pity moment, moments, as I see other babies his age and their mothers telling me their baby is saying all these things and I just have to smile and hide the stab of hurt I feel in my heart as I wonder what am I doing wrong and why isn't Xander doing or saying all of these things. I truly am happy for them. I really am. I just feel this loss.There is that giant shadow hanging over me getting lower and lower as one thing after another seams to not be normal. Is there something wrong with Xander? I keep asking myself this question more and more. Maybe I am just looking into everything too much and I am just starting to expect the worst to happen and to be. But, what if it's true? What if he never says a word? What if he won't ever be able to sleep through a night and is so overly emotional? There's that hopeless feeling again. I'm back to that familiar top of the roller coaster and I'm so scared that I might never come back down. I am so scared of not knowing and knowing what could be. I could fall off the ride and just keep falling. I just want the screaming to stop and to be able to confer t him. I want to be able to teach him to talk and sleep through a night. I want to be able to get through a day where I don't want to go hide in a closet and scream myself.

Savannah, has become very emotional again. Whenever she doesn't get what she wants or when she has to do something she doesn't want to she has a meltdown or a tantrum. Sometimes she can just switch it off but then, other times she can be emotional and crying for most of the rest of the day. How do those perfect mother do it all? They are amazing to me. Savannah is still not potty trained. I have come to terms with it though. She will do it when she is ready.I don't want to force her if she doesn't want to and it is just way too stressful for both of us. Most of the time I can't get Savannah to clean up her toys. We do the hand over hand thing, sometimes with her kicking and screaming just because she doesn't want to clean up, because that's what I want.

One of the worse parts about this is that I don't want to fill this way. I don't want to be that person who is saying why me? Why does everything bad always happen to me? I don't want to be self pitting. I know so many people who go through each day, so positive and they have trials that are much much worse. I really don't want to be negative. I know that I am so blessed! I do have two beautiful children and a loving husband. I am so thankful for them! I love them so much. But, most of the time I just feel so not worthy and so lost. It is weird how life throws you trials all at the same time and they just pile up. At least I know that I will get through this and eventually, I will get to the bottom of the hill, and maybe it will just be slightly bumpy for a while! Life really is just like a roller coaster.The things that I love about Xander the most are that he is the biggest cuddle and he is just too cute to be angry at him, and Savannah gets so excited about the simplest things and when she smiles her whole face lights up! I am so lucky to have these guys, rain boots and all!


  1. Nicole- You are so amazingly strong. Every time I read your blog, I can't help but wonder at the strength that you must have to get through each day. I know your days are so much harder than mine, yet every time I see you you have a smile on your face. Heavenly Father gave you these children because you and Courtney are the one who can love them and take care of them the best. And don't forget that you have lots of friends and family members who would love to help. I would love to come over and help any time you need it. I'll even come do your laundry or clean your bathroom if you need me to. You are an amazing mother, just remember that.

  2. Do you ever do sign language with Xander? Kelvin is a year older than he is and he doesn't talk or even walk yet, but the sign language has been a life saver with him. Don't worry, you're not alone :)

  3. Life is a crazy roller coaster. Sorry it is difficult. I have said this before, I know, don't ever feel like it is YOU that is doing something wrong you are an amazning mother and have such a positive outlook. Hang in there.

    Lindsey Francom

  4. Did you get my email? I totally recommend seeing Dr. Pfeffer about the sleep issues. Maybe if you were all able to get some more consistent sleep, things could be a tiny bit easier. Madi's comment about trying sign language is fantastic. Having a way to communicate would be such a lifesaver. Don't be too hard on yourself. It is totally normal to think 'why me'. Believe are an amazing mom!!!